你一直在玩

上周四枯坐公司，看了一整天库切的Youth，偶尔爱词霸。一直坐到晚上7点多，pagedown至最后一页。

And what is the upshot of this lack of heat, this lack of heart? The upshot is that he is sitting alone on a Sunday afternoon in an upstairs room in a house in the depths of the Berkshire countryside, with crows cawing in the fields and a grey mist hanging overhead, playing chess with himself, growing old, waiting for evening to fall so that he can with a good conscience fry his sausages and bread for supper. At eighteen he might have been a poet. Now he is not a poet, not a writer, not an artist.

He is a computer programmer, a twenty-four-year-old computer programmer in a world in which there are no thirty-year-old computer programmers. At thirty one is too old to be a programmer: one turns oneself into something else — some kind of businessman — or one shoots oneself. It is only because he is young, because the neurons in his brain are still firing more or less infallibly, that he has a toehold in the British computer industry, in British society, in Britain itself. He and Ganapathy are two sides of the same coin: Ganapathy starving not because he is cut off from Mother India but because he doesn’t eat properly, because despite his M.Sc. in computer science he doesn’t know about vitamins and minerals and amino acids; and he locked into an attenuating endgame, playing himself, with each move, further into a corner and into defeat. One of these days the ambulance men will call at Ganapathy’s flat and bring him out on a stretcher with a sheet over his face. When they have fetched Ganapathy they might as well come and fetch him too.

懵了一阵，觉得手脚冰凉，也许是因为感冒，或者是饥饿，或者恐慌。

看Match point的时候印象深刻于那句“I’d rather be lucky than good”，在Youth里又找到一句对仗工整的I’d rather be bad than boring。
赞同的同学请举手；我举两只。

之前看浙江文艺王家湘的译本，感同身受得无以复加，克制住taobao买原版（和DIY一件t恤写上“库切我爱你”）的冲动，emule到电子版。（大概是OCR识别的，常常有些考察想象力易识别的小错误，诸如he和lie。不易识别的我没识别出，天知道，总之随手都改了，下载链接在此。）
当然我知道感同身受的不止我一人，douban上有大把。没啥，说来说去80代的青春都一样，以至于和库切先生60代的如此多关键词句交集，残酷啊彷徨啊平淡啊爱情啊拯救啊，科技进步只是表象。
读过库切用第三人称的刀子的血淋淋的青春解剖报告和自问自答，我惶恐了伤感了大脑空白了，可是日子还是如旧，并且，很快就要站到青春的尾巴上了。

所以，John Keating老师你说的对，carpe diem!
（奇怪，刚看完小说的时候我好像不是这么想的……）

周四开始坐在公司发傻。separation request交了，我就是要消极怠工。怠工怠工怠工！先怠到周五飞广州，下周再接着怠，再接下来要考虑的重点是，9月中去哪里玩，五天还是九天，以及我究竟啥时候考GRE呢……

唉，我从来就不是一个目光长远的人啊。

Sometimes he imagines a beautiful girl in a white dress wandering into the reading room and lingering distractedly after closing time; he imagines showing her over the mysteries of the bindery and cataloguing room, then emerging with her into the starry night. It never happens.